You're Not Alone

We moved to Glastonbury, Connecticut when I was about 10 years old. We moved from Manchester, CT for the better school systems. After I was adopted, schooling was pretty tough. My parents tried me in a Catholic school for first grade and they could not handle my behavior. I guess I was pretty wild compared to the other kids and so I went to the public school system. Around this time I was just a normal, hyper kid in elementary school. Manchester was a pretty nice town. I had nice neighborhood friends but the school was rough. It was going down the tubes and becoming too overpopulated and filled with teachers who didn't seem to care that much. What made us move was the overall decline of the neighborhood. We had a cul-de-sac and I used to play there until some new kids, who were black, moved in and basically threatened to hurt me. School wasn't any better.

I don't have a lot of memory on this event but I do remember some of it. I believe the teacher stepped out or something. All I know is that I was in a class that was unsupervised. I was and have always been the smallest kid in class and so I was an easy target for kids. For some reason they thought it would be fun to shove me in the classroom storage closet. Of course I wasn't liking that and was trying to get out. The closet had a sliding door that they were trying to slam on me. As I was fighting this, my hands were in the way and the door slammed against them. I don't remember much of the immediate aftermath but I did end up in the hospital with my nails all bashed up. I do remember that it was not a pretty sight. I did receive a lot of homemade get well cards from the kids at school but I am sure that was done by the teacher. Nonetheless, it was nice and made me feel better. I was sure some of them were genuine as well considering not every kid in the class was involved. I would have to guess that this made my parents even more willing to move away from Manchester.

I started 3rd grade in the Glastonbury Public School system and it was not bad at all. We got a nice house and the kids seemed nice as well. The only troubles that year were with the teacher. Fourth grade came and I was very hyper and this was around the time my parents decided to get help. We got a therapist and a psychiatrist involved who started me on Ritalin for ADHD and prozac for depression. I thought I was doing fine and loved school. I had friends and sat at a table with friends who I made laugh all the time. Eventually, things changed and we all got older and the drugs were taking more of an affect on me. By 6th and 7th grade   I was more calm. I was always to myself and didn't really socialize all that much as I had before. People were changing and the friends I knew were now older or had moved away. Again, I was the smallest kid in the class and now being more quiet made me an even more vulnerable target. However, when challenged or if I did have something to say, I would speak my mind. In 7th grade, there was this kid who didn't have things easy. I look back to those days and really think that I didn't have it bad every single day like some others. I didn't and still don't know much about his situation but he was kind of sporadic and unpredictable. Again, the circumstances are kind of blurry but it was again a time when a teacher was not present. People were making fun of this kid for his hygiene or something and I happened to be in the middle of it. I wasn't making fun of him but I said something to him and he just went off right there. He was a lot bigger than me and he grabbed me and basically choked me to the point I was off my feet. I believe he got suspended after that, not sure. All I know is that it was pretty terrifying to not have any control over your body. Regardless if I said anything bad or not to him, I didn't deserve to be attacked.

As I look back at these kids, I now realize that a lot of these kids were victims of bullying themselves. I have never bullied anyone. I don't know how someone can be a victim and turn on others. I have no sympathy for those people at all. Fortunately, that was the worst of the psychical abuse I would take in school. However, I do believe, to an extent, that verbal abusive is the worst.

Seventh and 8th grade were not my greatest times. I didn't really have any good friends or a group of friends established. I dreaded the cafeteria and lunch time. I sat at many tables like a nomad. I dreaded sitting alone, although there were those who did. I wanted to fit in somewhere and at least be welcome, if not accepted by others. We all go through this period of wanting acceptance. I was in the thick of it. Kids were verbally mean with mostly jokes about my height or my quietness which showed off as awkwardness. I was so obsessed with being accepted that I somehow was able to sit with what I looked as to be "the popular kids." They DID have the center lunch table and were all attractive. I sat there for maybe one or a few days but felt uncomfortable. What was I doing? They were clearly mocking me and even worse, ignoring me. I did not feel welcome at all. All this mixed in with rejections from girls and other people who I wanted to be friends with was normal for me at this time. I didn't have anyone to really go to at this time who would listen and talk to me. I was convinced by the many kids who said, "no one like you" that it was true.

As time went on, more and more people changed and I hardly knew the kids I went to elementary school with. High school came and I was nervous as any freshman would be. High school is and I am sure was tough for most people. It was no exception for me but it also was one of the times in my life where I actually grew up. I learned things about others and myself and finally befriended someone who was and still is a true friend. The first two years sucked. I was still shy, small and awkward. I was considerably innocent too. Not having done the things the kids have done (I didn't really want to either). I never drank, touched drugs or engaged in sexual activity in high school like many kids started or continued doing. I still had some verbal abuse from people and mocking. Kids in high school were now learning how to be fake and I got to be the guinea pig. I did have one main bully in the beginning years. He was primarily verbal but with some minor physical abuse mostly on the bus on the way home from school. It got to the point where I told my parents and they spoke to his. Apparently, he had been bullied or was being bullied. I still didn't feel for him but glad I talked and it was taken care of. After that, I was just to myself. I guess I wasn't bullied in the traditional sense. I can't think of a time I was really humiliated because kids then were fake so they would do nothing in front of you. All the laughing and teasing would be done behind your back. I knew this only cuz people would tell me or I'd catch them. Sometimes you could just feel when you are being laughed at and not really in the joke but you are the joke.

I was in a play in freshman year. I decided I wanted to be in the drama club just to try it out. I was OK but was a very minor part. I hated the experience though. The kids were into drugs and acted like they were God's gift on Earth. I was not welcome and was not comfortable. It was not be and I didn't want to be a part of that at all. I did find something I liked though. I had been part of the orchestra for a long time but the high school orchestra was a great experience. It was one of the few classes I looked forward to attending. I met good friends there and made good memories as well.

Beyond high school, I was going through the whole religious exploration and family backlash as well as sexual questioning. I am glad that things took a turn for the better. So I am gonna end this with a positive note that leads to me today.

In sophomore year I was able to get out of being in the special education program (why I was in there in the first place, I will never know). In freshmen year, I met someone who I'd consider and still do, my best friend. Someone who I still talk to today even though we are thousands of miles apart. She helped me through high school and all it's craziness. Even though she had her own group of friends, she still made me feel like she was a part of her life just as much as they were. And even though her friends may not have been crazy about me, she would spend one on one time with me. By senior year, I knew what I wanted to do and I felt like I had established myself pretty well. I was more outspoken and vocal and tried to be more social. I gained more confidence and changed my appearance and way of looking at things as well. By college I remained pretty much the same. I tried to be more social but I realized that was going nowhere for me. I thought by being in the dorms it would help, but it didn't. I was still an outcast and even on a trip to Ecuador in 2008 with a small group of people my age, I was still not a main player. I didn't make "long lasting" friendships as these experiences promised. And you know what? Looking back at it I am OK with that. My friendships have come from nothing. They were not forced or done in a way that made me feel like I had to make a friend. They were as simple as sitting next to someone everyday in class or every day in an office. I didn't have to talk to anyone in class or at work and a lot of people don't. I am happy I still talk to these people today considering school is over and we are no longer working together. Sure, I had friends in high school and college but they were just convenient friends. I don't see them or hear from them today. That's what makes a true friend. Someone who doesn't forget about you after you have been together in a class, job or some travel group, etc.

At work, I don't like to be in the center of drama and everything but I am no longer being ignored. I have a a voice and can make friends easy. I like to make people laugh and tell stories. I always have. I am glad I am back to that and the days of me being suppressed and beaten down mentally are over. I know I have obstacles now as an adult but I always remember how I was when I was young and it just makes me keep on.

Bullying sucks and no one deserves it. It doesn't just happen at school. It can happen with adults at work too. It can be physical or verbal. Even ignoring someone can be a form of bullying. Being ignored and shunned is just as bad. I would say that's the majority of my experience in bullying. People need to realize that no one is worthless. We all have worth and we need to recognize that. Whether that takes a good friend or a nice letter or note, we need to be told how much we matter. I have contemplated suicide a few times in my life when I was younger. When I was close to death back in November, I realized that if I was gone, a lot of people would be sad. I would hurt a lot of people if I were to end my life. I thought my family would be the only ones who cared but I was wrong. I knew I had a purpose and I meant for something. I know I have always been at the end of the line for things in life but it has to be for a reason. Life is no fun if things are handed to you first or if you are socially privileged from the start. Just know that there are people who care and you are special. Never forget where you came from and what you went through. Whether you are gay, straight, lesbian, transgender, Black, White, Asian, Latino, short, tall, fat, skinny, pretty, ugly, cute, weird, shy, goth, nerd, jock, popular or just plain different, you are loved by someone.

Why I Don't Drink (Alcohol)

I thought it would be appropriate to write this now because a lot of people are probably reading this after a "night out" and are hungover.

So every time someone asks me if i drink or if I have to bring up that I don't drink (well everyone drinks, let's make it clear to drink=to drink alcohol) most people say, "oh that's cool." They say that but are really thinking, 'what a weirdo' or they just don't understand. I guess it is weird because I AM in college and that's just what you're SUPPOSED to do right?

Sometimes when I tell people I don't drink, they always ask me if it's because I had a bad experience or that alcoholism is in my family or for medical reasons. Then I shock them even more by saying that I have never drank to get drunk before, so no bad experiences, I don't know my family history because I am adopted. They are right in asking those questions because the people I have met who don't drink are sober because of their past experiences with alcohol or for medical reasons.

I admit to drinking a little wine and a little beer at some point in time. I tried it just to validate my stance on not drinking. As I expected they tasted gross and I wouldn't touch them again. I just have no desire at all. Someone told me that I would learn to get used to the taste of beer and love it. I have proven them wrong. Stupid drunk.

The answer to why I don't drink is simple but complicated. There's no need for it. I guess also because, oh yeah, I am 19 and I follow the law. Drinking and getting drunk may be two different things but you can have a nice time drinking apple juice at dinner, the wine doesn't make it fancier or whatever.

First off, I never understood why people drink. I mean are you really that social inept that you have to drink to make yourself look cool? Why does a party need booze to make it a party? Obviously no one is smart enough to think of something fun enough that everyone can do without the use of kegs and games. It's useless to me. I can have fun without getting hammered and throwing up. Which leads me to the first reason I don't drink. I am confident enough in myself and I don't give in to stupid peer pressure. I mean how many people ACTUALLY LIKE the taste of the beers and liquors? It's all psychology, a subconscious mind game.

Second reason is because I like being sober. I like to have 100 percent control (notice the bold, for you, but you do have control blah blah people) of my mind and body. I also like to remember things that I did the night/day before. I like to know that I made a decision and no one else or anything made it for me. I hate drunk people. I will never be a designated driver because I am not going to be around drunk people. I don't want to deal with it and I don't care. I refuse to be the friend who always helps his drunk friend (s) out every time. Let other people be the dumb bitches, not me. Drunk people in crowds is worst. That's why I don't go to NASCAR races, any ASU functions, baseball games, state fairs, birthday parties for people over 16, wedding after parties nor any New Year's Eve events. I also don't wanna be one of those people with the Facebook accounts with pictures of myself drunk taken by my "friends." I mean what the hell people? Have some class.

Third reason I don't drink is because it is EXPENSIVE. Trust me. I went to Ecuador this past summer and everything is less expensive there and the drinking age is 18. A lot of the people I was with liked to party and get drunk and they spent well over $100 EACH on the whole trip. That's disgusting. What a waste of their parents money.

Also, retrieving it if your underage not only puts you in danger, but the person buying it as well. In the US the older friend/brother/sister/cousin, the uncle/aunt/mother/father or anyone else dumb enough gets the beer for the kids. It's not worth it. Older siblings and relatives are obviously trying to come off as cool to their children/relatives so they buy them beer for their underage party. In some state they bust the hell out of parents if they host an under aged drinking party (Love it).

In my "hometown" of Glastonbury, Conn., people drank like crazy. People would get it from their own refrigerators because the parents either didn't care or they were never home in their mansions. They would also get it from their older siblings or connections they had with the older kids in high school (the losers who were 21 and still there.) OR they would know college kids other than their siblings for some reason. That's disturbing. Maybe more on the side of the college kid it's weird. My town had/has a serious problem with drinking. Some kids died drinking and driving and people still continued their foolishness. I am glad I got out of that fake despicable town.

So after that rant, the fourth reason I don't drink is because I have seen what it has done to people and I certainly do not want to end up like them. Not only in the media do we see this (Britney, Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, etc, etc) but in real life too. I have seen alcohol destroy people's relationships with their friends, boyfriends/girlfriends and even family. I don't ever want to explain what happened last night and how I drunk dialed my best friend and said bad things. Drinking causes too much drama. Plus that's how we got John Kerry, people from Rhode Island and liberals.

People also like to mix stuff when they drink. They mix drinks with other drinks, they mix drinking with smoking because they obviously are suicidal and also they mix drinking with other drugs. For some people drinking may be for social fun, relaxation or a stress reliever and for other people it may be some deep issues within them. That's the fifth reason why I don't drink. I don't need alcohol to help me with my problems. I would never turn to that nor drugs for comfort. So many people do and I honestly can't understand why. To me, it's a major sign of weakness and let's be honest, for a lot of people it's just easier than going to a therapist or getting medical attention. I find that working out really helps me relieve stress and anxiety. Also, listening to music really helps as well. I get in a high sometimes when I am listening to a REALLY good song or when I am really in the zone at the gym. Or even walking around anywhere on a nice sunny day is awesome too. That's free. It's just one of the many choices that is healthy and sane for stress relief and relaxation.

I also have some thoughts about drinking that just bother me. One thing I really find obnoxious, and I have mentioned this in one of my other posts, is when people here in college talk and talk about alcohol and getting wasted. What a lame conversation. I don't know why people find drunk people funny and amusing. I think they are sad and have serious issues with themselves. I hate when people say things like, "oh yeah, I am gonna get so drunk at this party that I won't even be able to stand up afterward." I hear things like this so much that I just usually walk away and ignore them. I hate how people try to JUSTIFY drinking. They think they are right and a good person when they say they like to party and get drunk on the weekend and then study and be good during the week. Balance my ass. For me, balance doesn't work. I am either one way or the other.

I don't understand all these drinking games and WHY THE FUCK to people post pics of themselves or of other people playing beer pong? Do we need to see that? I mean who really HONESTLY cares what you're doing in your parents basement? Beer games are ridiculous. People have more talent doing these irrelevant things than they do in any other area of their lives. And if you are drinking and you are underage then why use red plastic cups? I mean the red cups have become a symbol of college and high school drinking parties. Use different cups retards. I guess I am not brain dead enough or I haven't killed enough of my brain cells with weed and vodka to understand the "art" of beer pong.

Anyway, I am only 19 and will be turning 21 in 2010 and I really don't care. I am not eagerly waiting the arrival of my 21st birthday party to get shit-faced and do stupid things. I also didn't spend out-of-state tuition to get drunk all the time. Even when I turn 21 and can legally drink a beer, I don't see myself doing that at all. I do, however, want to go a little, just a little, gambling. I always wanted to just stand in a Vegas casino without having to be pulled along by my parents. But even that is not a big deal to me. Drinking is just not a part of my life and nor will it ever be.