30 December 2013

What 2013 Did for Me

The year of 2013 had some strong memorable moments that I think I will never forget. I don't know why but I feel like I am more reflective and in awe of this past year more than any other year. I think most years I just wanted to forget because they were either uneventful or just real crap. I like to think of New Year's as a real time to refresh everything. Although it's just a calendar change and it's all commercialized and in our heads, I do feel like it's a chance to move on and change. I think I have already been going through this throughout the year but the 1st of the year marks a new, clean slate.

I really don't make any New Year's resolutions because I try to set goals for myself constantly as opposed to just having the one time of the year to make them. I think the big goals I have now can't be completed in a year but it's always a good time to really start on them. I need to really need to continue to focus on bettering myself physically and mentally this year. I think things will level out and go back to normal which will give me time to get working on getting some education for real estate appraising and of course money to save for things that I want.

I look at it as a year of death and rebirth. People, things, friends, ideas died or went away and new things came to be and old things returned. I learned a lot of things about other people, life and myself. I experienced new things and did things out of my comfort zone that I never thought I'd ever do. I met new people that will hopefully become long term or even lifelong friends.

After my sickness I was unemployed until August. During that time, I did have some fun and traveled but I also was getting used to a whole new life. I felt as if I had reset for 2013. It was really a sign for me to restart everything. Almost like a reboot. I had been swimming underwater for so long I had to go back to the surface and catch my breath. The time I spent with my parents marked a big change for our relationship. I felt like they were protectors and real good friends more than just mom and dad. Something I am truly grateful for as I haven't seen much in other people's parents. I met up with friends I haven't seen in a while and I believe that it really strengthened our relationships as well. It just shows that not matter how far away you are from someone, there is still that something that can draw you together. Something you both have to understand and put effort into, but it's something nonetheless. I met new friends as well and even someone who I can one day look up to as a brother figure. Something I never had growing up as an only child.

At the same time of positive relationships, I had negative ones. I experienced my first serious (what I considered serious at that time) relationship. With that, I experienced my first break up. It was something I was not prepared for at all but I got through it easily with the help of friends and good music. No drugs, no alcohol or destructive behavior. Even though it lasted a month, the relationship taught me a lot about what I actually want and what I really deserve as well. I think my whole ideal of what a relationship changed after that and I needed that. I don't want to expect anything this year and I don't want to play the "it will happen when you least expect it" game. I feel like if you are thinking like that then you are already expecting it and over thinking things.

I went through some positive career changes as well. After being slapped in the face from my old job (which is out of business now) I was able to get into something I wanted to do and that I thought was interesting. Unfortunately, being a  part-time real estate assistant wasn't going to let me live alone in Arizona. With some pressure of my parents to get a job or go back home and live with them in Connecticut, I was able to get a job pretty last minute. It was a call center job and worse, a collections position. I was going to grin and bear it for as long as I could until I could move up or go into a different position within the company but I barely lasted a month. I quit and was able to get a temp position at Wells Fargo. The best thing was that it is off the phones and getting into the back end work. It is relaxing and very laid-back. I am happy I moved and looking back I cannot imagine how it would have went down being on the phones when I had just been dumped. I could barely even take an 8 hour day at the new job when it happened.

I think I am on the right path to get to where I want to be. I know everything falls on me and nothing will fall into my lap unless I do the work. I feel like I have a time. When it will be? I don;t know. I just know it will happen and it may be next week or even another year. I have been learning how to focus on my life and think of what I have been through and accomplished in my life so far. I had been so caught up in watching my friend's move to better things and move forward in life as I thought I was going backwards. I have felt that way since I was a kid, Everyone was taller than me, had different things than I did, got their licenses first, had brothers and sisters and lifelong friends to go to. Everyone learned new skills before me and had successful jobs out of college and even started families before me. I know it sounds silly but I was actually jealous. I appreciated what I had but in a way I felt as if I was taking the baggage for people when I really didn't deserve it? Or did I?

I have learned to open up more not only to friends, family and strangers but also to myself. I have accepted the things I have done in my life and the consequences of them. I have always secretly struggled with the person I portrayed on FaceBook in public and to friends and the person I was behind doors. They were totally different people to me. I have never done drugs or gotten drunk but it doesn't mean there were other demons. I tried my best to turn to music and working out for my anger or sadness. I did things I liked but still I would turn to online for comfort. I knew what I was doing and at the end of it, I would get back to my house late at night and hate myself all night. I dreamed of having someone who cared and loved me truly. I knew that those guys I met didn't. I knew it and yet I still did it and the cycle repeated itself. At times I thought my parents were right. Maybe it was a bad idea for me to be alone here in Arizona. It was almost like they blamed themselves for my behavior. My self destruction got me sick. I had to wait till my possible death bed to realize this. I was truly awoken in 2013 and I have a long ways to go but I know it can be done.

I learned that everyone has some demons behind them and there will always be someone ahead of you and at the same time, there will be someone behind you. The best thing you can do is not even pay attention to them. You don't know their situation and you sure as hell don't know their mental state. At least, most people will not admit to it. Realizing and sharing for me, just like anyone, is hard but it has to be done. I may not be in journalism now but writing for me is the real healer. I get better everyday expressing things through words-written and spoken. I used to be so depressed at times that I thought no one cared and I was going to go back to live in Connecticut with my parents forever and die alone. I used to daydream of the perfect situations in my head of what life should be and will be and it would put me to sleep. Once I got to speaking to people and friends about things, I woke myself up realized; even though people may have their own lives now and they are doing their own things everyday, they still care about you. They may not answer you right away or call you back but they still care. Behind some of the flaws we ALL have, we are still human and we do care about each other, no matter what. I know this is true. I know God has a plan for all of us and that life is not over. It is just starting.

16 July 2013

What Is Wrong With You?

As humans we are social creatures who have a natural curiosity for things. We like to find information and we try to make it relevant to our own lives. One of those is finding what makes us who we are. Why do I do this? Why don't I do that? We want these questions answered. We need to have a name for these behaviors. Whether we go online or read to self-diagnose ourselves or go to a physician, we just need to know.

I may seem like I am undermining syndromes, disorders and diseases, but I am not. I believe they are all real and they are the catalyst for people's behaviors. I believe that people really suffer from these disorders and syndromes but what about the rest of us? What about the people who are on the line? We watch documentaries of people who have OCD, Schizophrenia and Autism but they are extreme cases. We never see people on TV with mild forms of these things. Does that mean that when someone has these things, such as OCD, they are like what we see on TV? They are constantly doing things in an order and repeating behaviors and washing their hands 100 times? Well no, not really.

I believe some people may have a few symptoms or even just one symptom of some disorders and syndromes. It doesn't mean they have it. The human mind and personality is so complex, yet we try to categorize it by grouping behaviors and calling it something like Autism. Just because you may be a neat freak doesn't mean you have OCD. Just because you are having a bad day and get sad and cry doesn't mean you have depression. Why are we so quick so point out what is wrong with ourselves and each other? And the real question is, what is normal?

When I was a kid I was a handful. I was hyper and crazy and my parents were having troubles with me. I was brought to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ADHD. I also would be sad and may have said a few things that concerned my parents about suicide. I was then diagnosed with depression. I was put on Ritalin for the ADHD and then Prozac for depression. I was young, not even in high school for all this. When I was young I was considerably neater than other kids. I liked things in order and always put things away. I didn't like tags on clothes and was very particular about food, clothing, where things were and how they were set up in my room, for example. I don't believe I was officially diagnosed with OCD but it was talked about. No medication for that since I was not so compulsive as I was obsessive. I don't like wrinkles, lint on things, dirty mirrors, spots on things, and I need my hair to look a certain way before I leave. I never got into washing my hands several times or repeating a particular behavior. The only thing I do that I call "Monk" behavior (if you know that show you know what I mean) is when I am at a clothing store I touch and feel the clothing as I walk by it. Almost all of them. I don't count them nor would I go back to one if it was missed. This is the reason why I think I have OCD but in a very midl, almost common form. I know people who have the same "obsessions" but they would not meet the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders definition of having OCD or anything like that.

I have never been one to self-diagnose either. I admit, I have taken online quizzes and such but I would not go to a doctor and have a real examination of myself. I think it's silly. If it's not affecting my life at all and I am living OK then what's the point? I don't believe that dwelling on having these disorders helps you. Blaming them and fixing them and wondering about them does nothing for you. All you can do is try to be a good person and live life the best way you can. We all have our quirks. We all have things that we do that drive others crazy and that even drive ourselves crazy.

But who is to say who is what? There are clear and easy cases of someone having bipolar disorder or schizophrenia that can be diagnosed by anyone with some knowledge of the disorders and of course a doctor. If someone appears to be something, they most likely are not. You can't see someone with a neat house and automatically assume they have OCD or that they are even a neat freak. It's the same as looking at a guy who takes care of himself and takes care of his looks and you call him gay when he is straight. (He's called a metrosexual, by the way.) It's just so hard to really sum people up with a bunch of disorders and syndromes. One person could even be a little of everything. A control freak, a neat freak, slightly bipolar, OCD, and even a little sociopath. There is really an endless amount of possibilities.

My mother was and still is the one who has done all the diagnosing and suspecting. She has been diagnosing my father and I forever. In terms of the ADHD, my aunts didn't believe I had it. They thought I was just an ordinary, hyper kid who liked to play and have fun. I don't know, maybe everyone has ADHD these days, it must be in. Lately, my mother has been telling my I have Asperger's syndrome. She even has said my dad has it as well. I obviously denied that and I did my research on what it actually was. Again, if you have one symptom of something, it doesn't mean you have that disorder or syndrome. The DSM IV has Asperger's Syndrome and I went through it and yes some things fit me but not all of it. Also, I feel like it's a weird line between that and other social disorders. I feel more like I am just shy and have some anxiety but nothing like Asperger's. In fact, Asperger's is not even in the DSM V. It is now under the Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I don't see why people need to know what are and to have a label with it to feel special. We are all different and special in our own ways. Who cares what you have or what you don't have. I am not going to sit here and say I have nothing but I know what I do not have. I don't go around advertising it and being "proud." Why? Well because I don't think those things are real major influences in me. They have never defined me. My ADHD may have played a role in my childhood, I don't know but I what I do know is that today, I don't "feel" like I have ADHD. I just know I am different and have certain quirks and qualities about me. I don't say, "oh that's the ADHD or the OCD doing that." It just feels weird to label things that may be completely normal in human behavior. Even if you are not OCD or ADHD, you can be labeled something else. It's not like anyone is not labeled something. Again, I think we are too complex to just quickly diagnose one another and even to go into some big evaluation. That, and people change all the time. I have changed and I am not even the same person I was in college. I think, if anything, I have become stronger and better or I have just built on the person I was. That is change. I don't have to a 360 to change.

Just ask people's pet peeves and pay attention to detail when they do things. You will see that everyone has the something that makes them tick or that irks them. It can be as simple as having dollar bills facing the same way to having their whole house/apartment a certain color or set up a certain way all the time. Stop labeling people so quickly and just love who they are and focus on their personality not what everyone else says they are. Get to know someone beyond those labels. There may be some truth to labels but they certainly should not define us as people. We have the capacity  to change and adapt.

04 July 2013

You're Not Alone

We moved to Glastonbury, Connecticut when I was about 10 years old. We moved from Manchester, CT for the better school systems. After I was adopted, schooling was pretty tough. My parents tried me in a Catholic school for first grade and they could not handle my behavior. I guess I was pretty wild compared to the other kids and so I went to the public school system. Around this time I was just a normal, hyper kid in elementary school. Manchester was a pretty nice town. I had nice neighborhood friends but the school was rough. It was going down the tubes and becoming too overpopulated and filled with teachers who didn't seem to care that much. What made us move was the overall decline of the neighborhood. We had a cul-de-sac and I used to play there until some new kids, who were black, moved in and basically threatened to hurt me. School wasn't any better.

I don't have a lot of memory on this event but I do remember some of it. I believe the teacher stepped out or something. All I know is that I was in a class that was unsupervised. I was and have always been the smallest kid in class and so I was an easy target for kids. For some reason they thought it would be fun to shove me in the classroom storage closet. Of course I wasn't liking that and was trying to get out. The closet had a sliding door that they were trying to slam on me. As I was fighting this, my hands were in the way and the door slammed against them. I don't remember much of the immediate aftermath but I did end up in the hospital with my nails all bashed up. I do remember that it was not a pretty sight. I did receive a lot of homemade get well cards from the kids at school but I am sure that was done by the teacher. Nonetheless, it was nice and made me feel better. I was sure some of them were genuine as well considering not every kid in the class was involved. I would have to guess that this made my parents even more willing to move away from Manchester.

I started 3rd grade in the Glastonbury Public School system and it was not bad at all. We got a nice house and the kids seemed nice as well. The only troubles that year were with the teacher. Fourth grade came and I was very hyper and this was around the time my parents decided to get help. We got a therapist and a psychiatrist involved who started me on Ritalin for ADHD and prozac for depression. I thought I was doing fine and loved school. I had friends and sat at a table with friends who I made laugh all the time. Eventually, things changed and we all got older and the drugs were taking more of an affect on me. By 6th and 7th grade   I was more calm. I was always to myself and didn't really socialize all that much as I had before. People were changing and the friends I knew were now older or had moved away. Again, I was the smallest kid in the class and now being more quiet made me an even more vulnerable target. However, when challenged or if I did have something to say, I would speak my mind. In 7th grade, there was this kid who didn't have things easy. I look back to those days and really think that I didn't have it bad every single day like some others. I didn't and still don't know much about his situation but he was kind of sporadic and unpredictable. Again, the circumstances are kind of blurry but it was again a time when a teacher was not present. People were making fun of this kid for his hygiene or something and I happened to be in the middle of it. I wasn't making fun of him but I said something to him and he just went off right there. He was a lot bigger than me and he grabbed me and basically choked me to the point I was off my feet. I believe he got suspended after that, not sure. All I know is that it was pretty terrifying to not have any control over your body. Regardless if I said anything bad or not to him, I didn't deserve to be attacked.

As I look back at these kids, I now realize that a lot of these kids were victims of bullying themselves. I have never bullied anyone. I don't know how someone can be a victim and turn on others. I have no sympathy for those people at all. Fortunately, that was the worst of the psychical abuse I would take in school. However, I do believe, to an extent, that verbal abusive is the worst.

Seventh and 8th grade were not my greatest times. I didn't really have any good friends or a group of friends established. I dreaded the cafeteria and lunch time. I sat at many tables like a nomad. I dreaded sitting alone, although there were those who did. I wanted to fit in somewhere and at least be welcome, if not accepted by others. We all go through this period of wanting acceptance. I was in the thick of it. Kids were verbally mean with mostly jokes about my height or my quietness which showed off as awkwardness. I was so obsessed with being accepted that I somehow was able to sit with what I looked as to be "the popular kids." They DID have the center lunch table and were all attractive. I sat there for maybe one or a few days but felt uncomfortable. What was I doing? They were clearly mocking me and even worse, ignoring me. I did not feel welcome at all. All this mixed in with rejections from girls and other people who I wanted to be friends with was normal for me at this time. I didn't have anyone to really go to at this time who would listen and talk to me. I was convinced by the many kids who said, "no one like you" that it was true.

As time went on, more and more people changed and I hardly knew the kids I went to elementary school with. High school came and I was nervous as any freshman would be. High school is and I am sure was tough for most people. It was no exception for me but it also was one of the times in my life where I actually grew up. I learned things about others and myself and finally befriended someone who was and still is a true friend. The first two years sucked. I was still shy, small and awkward. I was considerably innocent too. Not having done the things the kids have done (I didn't really want to either). I never drank, touched drugs or engaged in sexual activity in high school like many kids started or continued doing. I still had some verbal abuse from people and mocking. Kids in high school were now learning how to be fake and I got to be the guinea pig. I did have one main bully in the beginning years. He was primarily verbal but with some minor physical abuse mostly on the bus on the way home from school. It got to the point where I told my parents and they spoke to his. Apparently, he had been bullied or was being bullied. I still didn't feel for him but glad I talked and it was taken care of. After that, I was just to myself. I guess I wasn't bullied in the traditional sense. I can't think of a time I was really humiliated because kids then were fake so they would do nothing in front of you. All the laughing and teasing would be done behind your back. I knew this only cuz people would tell me or I'd catch them. Sometimes you could just feel when you are being laughed at and not really in the joke but you are the joke.

I was in a play in freshman year. I decided I wanted to be in the drama club just to try it out. I was OK but was a very minor part. I hated the experience though. The kids were into drugs and acted like they were God's gift on Earth. I was not welcome and was not comfortable. It was not be and I didn't want to be a part of that at all. I did find something I liked though. I had been part of the orchestra for a long time but the high school orchestra was a great experience. It was one of the few classes I looked forward to attending. I met good friends there and made good memories as well.

Beyond high school, I was going through the whole religious exploration and family backlash as well as sexual questioning. I am glad that things took a turn for the better. So I am gonna end this with a positive note that leads to me today.

In sophomore year I was able to get out of being in the special education program (why I was in there in the first place, I will never know). In freshmen year, I met someone who I'd consider and still do, my best friend. Someone who I still talk to today even though we are thousands of miles apart. She helped me through high school and all it's craziness. Even though she had her own group of friends, she still made me feel like she was a part of her life just as much as they were. And even though her friends may not have been crazy about me, she would spend one on one time with me. By senior year, I knew what I wanted to do and I felt like I had established myself pretty well. I was more outspoken and vocal and tried to be more social. I gained more confidence and changed my appearance and way of looking at things as well. By college I remained pretty much the same. I tried to be more social but I realized that was going nowhere for me. I thought by being in the dorms it would help, but it didn't. I was still an outcast and even on a trip to Ecuador in 2008 with a small group of people my age, I was still not a main player. I didn't make "long lasting" friendships as these experiences promised. And you know what? Looking back at it I am OK with that. My friendships have come from nothing. They were not forced or done in a way that made me feel like I had to make a friend. They were as simple as sitting next to someone everyday in class or every day in an office. I didn't have to talk to anyone in class or at work and a lot of people don't. I am happy I still talk to these people today considering school is over and we are no longer working together. Sure, I had friends in high school and college but they were just convenient friends. I don't see them or hear from them today. That's what makes a true friend. Someone who doesn't forget about you after you have been together in a class, job or some travel group, etc.

At work, I don't like to be in the center of drama and everything but I am no longer being ignored. I have a a voice and can make friends easy. I like to make people laugh and tell stories. I always have. I am glad I am back to that and the days of me being suppressed and beaten down mentally are over. I know I have obstacles now as an adult but I always remember how I was when I was young and it just makes me keep on.

Bullying sucks and no one deserves it. It doesn't just happen at school. It can happen with adults at work too. It can be physical or verbal. Even ignoring someone can be a form of bullying. Being ignored and shunned is just as bad. I would say that's the majority of my experience in bullying. People need to realize that no one is worthless. We all have worth and we need to recognize that. Whether that takes a good friend or a nice letter or note, we need to be told how much we matter. I have contemplated suicide a few times in my life when I was younger. When I was close to death back in November, I realized that if I was gone, a lot of people would be sad. I would hurt a lot of people if I were to end my life. I thought my family would be the only ones who cared but I was wrong. I knew I had a purpose and I meant for something. I know I have always been at the end of the line for things in life but it has to be for a reason. Life is no fun if things are handed to you first or if you are socially privileged from the start. Just know that there are people who care and you are special. Never forget where you came from and what you went through. Whether you are gay, straight, lesbian, transgender, Black, White, Asian, Latino, short, tall, fat, skinny, pretty, ugly, cute, weird, shy, goth, nerd, jock, popular or just plain different, you are loved by someone.

19 June 2013

Sex Talk

When I was a kid, I would tease girls and get in trouble for bothering them and flirting in class. I liked girls and was always curious about them. As I grew older I learned to actually communicate with them and make them laugh, etc. Around the time of middle school and into high school I continued "bugging" girls and also felt myself being attracted to boys. At this point, it was all curiosity and interest without anything sexual. I liked some guys but also got jealous of them because they'd have a pretty girlfriend. When I got into high school I pretty was feeling like I wanted to meet someone to be with as a partner but it never happened. I tried to pursue girls and had crushes on guys as well. I ended up focusing on my friends and my studies more however.

When college came I was able to meet both men and women but found myself being attracted to men in more ways than women. Physically, I loved men and women. When I think about a relationship greater than a friendship, I thought about it with both but wasn't sure. I have never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Does that mean I don't really know what I am? Well no, because I felt a certain way about men and a certain way about women.

I have never been the guy to look at someone and say, "oh I want to fuck him/her." I don't even think like that. I know straight men may think and talk like that with their boys and even some girls with their girlfriends but other people most likely just think it. I can appreciate the male and female body. At this point in my life, I consider myself to be more gay but not completely and not straight. Am I bisexual? What does all this mean?

I believe, as humans, we are not one or the other. People argue that sexuality is predetermined at birth. Others say it is a choice. I believe that it may be both. I was raised in a conservative home but tended to gravitate toward my mother more. I tried sports but got more into music, dance and art. I am a creative type and my parents have been OK with that. I think my feelings were somehow shaped as I went through school even though I wasn't fully sexually aware of myself. That, along with whatever my genetics are, made me who I am.

Someone is fully gay or lesbian is hard for me to truly believe. In my eyes, they have to had tried sexual relations with the opposite sex and they failed to perform at all. They then tried sex with the same sex and they liked it and performed completely. Well, what about the gay men/lesbian women who say they are gay but have had sex with the opposite sex? Good question. A sexual person is just that, they are sexual. They are able to perform with anyone. Using a guy is easier in an example because they tend to have higher sex drives in general. Now, he may have had sex with a woman and was able to perform and climax, but did he like it? Does that make him bisexual? Well if he is regularly active with men now since trying sex with a women, he is not straight, but he isn't fully gay in my opinion. Just the ability to perform with a woman, regardless of emotions, tells me he isn't 100% gay. As animals, which we are, we do have instincts. Men have the instinct to mate. As humans though, we were given brains and emotions greater than most animals. Therefore, we are able to combined sex and emotion rather than separate them completely. When we don't then that's just pure sex, lust and instinct. Are men really that easy to be aroused regardless of their orientation though? Well, apparently the men who can perform with women are. It may be so complex that it is different for every individual or it's a male issue.

Now, in the case of bisexuality, it's even more complex. In my opinion, there are several levels of being a bisexual. I'm gonna use the porn industry as an example here. Let's put aside the monetary benefit since it's not necessarily the defining factor of who someone will have sex with. Let's face it, a man won't have sex with another man if he needs money if he is TRULY straight. By sex, I mean anal. There are male porn stars who do gay porn yet they are straight. They claim they are straight and they are even married to women. Are they really straight? Well, like I said before, the ability to perform with someone makes you somewhat bisexual. Now, these men clearly will not be marrying a man or would be in a serious relationship with one. The sex they have with men is clearly a physical thing. So by this example, this kind of bisexual is one that can have sex with both genders but is only emotionally attached to one.

Another example of bisexuality is someone who can have sex with both sexes but who can also establish meaningful relationships above friendships with both. It's the fact that you can see yourself being happy with both a man and a woman, not just seeing yourself simply being with them. This person is usually someone who can settle down with either sex and can live monogamously with that man/woman.

Unfortunately, bisexuals face a lot of backlash because most people don't believe in this. I am gonna focus on men since I'll discuss women later (but don't think this doesn't apply to women). A lot of gay men tend to feel like being bisexual and coming out that way is easier. Some tend to "start out like that" but that's just simply not true. If you FEEL a certain way about men and women you are not gay and you are also not straight. Now, people may feel a bisexual is just an excuse to be promiscuous and that may exist for some but it's not what being bisexual is about. Unfortunately there are married men who fool around on the side with men but would never be in a relationship with a man. This is different than a GAY man who marries a women and has kids but is really gay. This man has no desire to be with a woman but did it because of  social pressure. The other man is married to a women because they love (loved) each other but he may feel the need to be with a man but only sexually. If it's an open relationship and the wife is OK with it, it may not be as severe as if he was cheating on her with men. Being with one gender and screwing around with another (whether both parties know) would go against what I believe a relationship should be, bisexual or not.

In terms of women, we are faced with images every day of two females interacting with each other intimately. Yet when they are revealed as being emotionally attached then we tend to look away. Only recently has TV portrayed male-on-male intimacy yet it seems to be such a big deal when it's on the networks. People give bisexuals a bad name because there are girls who go through "phases" of making out with being intimate with other girls to get attention or to fit it. Or are girls just more sexual and comfortable with themselves than men? It's not to say that there are some girls out there who have no desire to kiss another girl at all.

It terms of intimacy, what makes one gay, straight, lesbian or bisexual? If a guy kisses another guy once is he gay? Well of course not, that's silly. Now if he likes it and wants to try it again, then maybe yeah, he's a little gay. I like to use a few analogies with vegetables. First scenario: I have carrots and broccoli in front of me. I know I like broccoli but thinking of trying carrots. I am young and haven't tried them so might as well now. I mean you can't say you don't like something if you haven't tried it right? I know I really like broccoli but not sure. So I try the carrots and they are nasty as hell and I can't even chew/swallow them .I decide I will never eat them. I don't even wanna look at them ever again. Trying them doesn't make me a carrot person, I just tried it once and it sucked. Second scenario: I try the the carrots and like them. I don't love them but they are OK and I'd eat them if broccoli wasn't around. Third scenario: I can't even look at carrots. I know I love broccoli and could never eat any other vegetable. I don't even wanna touch a carrot ever.

People experiment, it's normal. A lot of people may not even admit to it but they have done it. Does experimenting make your orientation though? Again, it's the fact of liking it and wanting it again. I believe a lot of it is in the mind. Well what about just being comfortable with your sexuality? A gay man has no problem kissing a girl, is he really gay? Just like in the vegetable analogies above, the carrots in the first scenario were never consumed. The second one they were but were not as favorable to the broccoli. These are just examples to show that things like kissing, touching and other softcore acts of sex are small indications of orientation. The exception would be a guy refusing to touch (by touch I mean sexually) or kiss another guy. This was shown in the last scenario. Some people are set in themselves and know they are straight or gay. It doesn't necessarily meant they are closed-minded and non-sexual, they actually are comfortable in their sexuality. Their sexuality just happens to be more defined than others.

Well this circles around to the married man who is gay. He has children with his wife, so he obviously was able to perform in the bedroom with her. Is he bisexual or just "man"? This is why sexuality is so complex and there is no true explanation of it, especially since it's completely different for each individual person. Sexuality can even be seen in subtle situations in life rather than the obvious.

A straight guy may never comment on another man's looks but if he does, is he gay? Well if it's more than just, "he's a good looking guy" then maybe their can be some suspicion. I see nothing wrong with straight men commenting on a man who is obviously and unanimously good looking. The fact that girls comment on each other all the time raises no eyebrows but again, society has gain some warped acceptance of subtle lesbianism. If a man goes overboard to express his sexual orientation then he may have some issues. It's similar to the homophobic guy who really is a closet case. Also, a grown man acting gay is clearly gay. It may have been cute when he was young, I don't know why it's funny or accepted still, but when you are older you should be over all that.

People's behaviors are funny. Watching straight male groups vs straight men/women groups are interesting. All female groups and gay men groups as well. It seems like men's and women's sexuality overact in social situations. Even friends develop some sexual tension here and there. At the end of the day, attraction is attraction, we can't really stop ourselves or understand other people's sexual drives and desires. All we see is their face and/or body. You can no longer assume anything. I tend to go into meeting new people with the notion that they are asexual and work from there. At the end of the day, what I have said here is all my opinion and my observations. Sexuality is something YOU define for yourself. No one can label you and you may not even want to label yourself. Do what you FEEL is best and what makes you HAPPY and don't worry  about other people's feeling toward you. If someone makes you happy, then be with them. It can really be that simple.

15 June 2013

The Past Week

This is gonna be a little scattered. Not a one-topic post like normal. This is the way my mind actually works. Very back and forth and scattered (not in a negative way). I find it a little easier talking about a bunch of things rather than one big thing. Especially since I feel like there is so much going on within me and my life right now.

First off, I did a little experiment this past week. I decided to abstain from all social media. I didn't log on and read posts on Facebook or any site on my computer and mobile device. I figured a week off of being "social" would do some good since we all tend to get to wrapped into what other people are doing and thinking. Also, my dad was here visiting me so it let me concentrate on spending time with him and also focusing on getting a job. It's amazing how much time we really spend on Facebook, etc. I also stopped being the "initiator" as I would call it. I refrained from texting people first and allowed myself some stress free time to not worry about if someone will get back to me or not. Well I did get some "hey how are you" texts and even a phone call and good news. Overall, I think the week off really helped because I don't feel like I was deprived of anything. I am not sitting for hours reading Facebook or things like that to fill my time. I logged in and looked but didn't feel a desire to talk to everyone that was online or send messages.

Even though it was a week, I feel like I have trained myself to shift my priorities and focus on me. I figured that my true friends will contact me and check on me from time to time rather than me being concerned and contacting them all the time. As if I thought, "if I don't contact them then we will never talk." I needed to get over that and this helped me a lot.

As I mentioned, my father came to visit for a few weeks. After I was sick, he stayed for a few months until I was able to do everything myself and felt he was kind of overstaying. I love my dad but I have learned that I cannot live with him. We don't fight or anything but there are things I could only handle for so long. I love living alone and living with people always brings me back to reasons why I like living alone.

After he left in April, my mom decided that he should come out here for a month. I explained that it was overkill to send him here for that long. I forgot to mention that I live in a one bedroom/one bathroom apartment so it's a little tough to have someone for that long living here. So I got her to cut his visit to two weeks. Her reasoning for his visit was that she didn't want me to be alone and for him to check up on me. Whatever. At least she booked us in a timeshare for the first week so we'd have some space and I could get out of the apartment.

The timeshare stay was great. We saw the Diamondbacks play at Chase Field and hung out at the pool. Then we had to leave and go back to my apartment and I had to really hit the job search hard again. My mom sent me an email stating that if I did not have a job by August, which is when my lease was up, I'd have to return to Connecticut or live with my aunt in Boston. Now she did this before when I was jobless and living with my aunt here in Arizona. My aunt and her both agreed to the plan but I got a job before the "deadline." So this time seems understandable as well considering I could stay with them or my aunt back east without worrying about rent and utilities. Well before I go into more, quick back story here.

I knew my parents were planning to probably retire here in Arizona someday. When I got sick my mom got scared and worried and wanted to try to come out here earlier than expected. So they bought a house here and we are just renting it out to the owners until their house is built. They will move out at the end of September, maybe earlier. The plan was for me to get back on my feet and get a job and then pay a month-to-month rent until I could move into the new house. Now, since I still don't have a job, my mom figured that I would leave this apartment and avoid the month-to-month cost and live with her or my aunt. My parents aren't necessarily supporting me 100% out here right now. In fact, the money out here is from other sources and I have to use it to pay my rent, living expenses, utilities and the mortgage payment to the new house. Of course when the rent check from the tenants in the house goes away, then this wouldn't work. I would have a job to help pay with the house costs.

Now into the problem I have. I thought if I don't get a job by August that leaving for home was acceptable. I did not realize what her plan was though. She wants me to look for a job in CT or Boston and stay there. Not until the new house is open or I get a job out here. She wants me to stay there for AT LEAST a year and get a job. I left CT to come all the way to ASU and I stayed here. Do you think I'd wanna take a step backward like that? I don't wanna live back there. Just erase everything here? They want me looking for a job over there right now. As if they have given up on me looking out here. My dad became upset over this because he and my mom clearly have different motives for me. My dad did think of it as being a logical solution but then went on about me getting a job out there doing something I don't have any interest in.

For those of you thinking that my parents are right and I have no say and I have to make sacrifices, etc, well I can see that point of view but for me it's more. The support in my family has always been back handed. They didn't even want me coming to AZ. They ended up dealing with it and supporting me going to ASU. I honestly think they don't like Arizona and so I am confused as to why they want to move here. It may be the "if you can't fight em, join em" mentality but I am not sure. My mom is so tied to her state job that she refuses to move yet she wants to retire several years that she is supposed to. This will result in a huge cut in pay. For what? To check on me like I am a kid? My father explained that I am 23 and I am an adult. Yeah, I have mad bad decisions but at least I have learned from them. I do not regret coming out here and staying here. It sometimes feels like my mom and my aunt in Boston is trying to make me regret my choice to move here. Not once has my mom said, "I hope you get a job soon so you can stay where you want and a job you like." Or, "Good luck, I pray you get a job.......(something relating to me)." I just need some of those corny, obligatory phrases to help me. All I get is get a job or else. I explained to them what I want to do but they just say oh that's cool and other things. No suggestions or insight, just criticism. They may send random links but that's like me sending a happy birthday card with no note in it or any personal touch. It just doesn't resonate with me.

I'll be the first to admit that I am stubborn and I don't like change that happens fast without me knowing immediately with every detail. I have my mind on something and nothing will get in the way of that. My life back east is something I left behind. I am not willing to go back for anything. Like I said I was willing to compromise and stay out there for a few months but it doesn't seem to be the plan for them. I probably would have to sell my car, which I don't have payments on and it's in good condition because my mom doesn't want me to drive cross country with it. I'd have to leave all my doctors I like here and other routines. Connecticut has nothing. It has nothing for me and it never will. I don't wanna live in Boston area with my aunt who has no cable, Internet or anything, Also she lives a good 40 minutes to an hour from the city. The only way I'd go back east is if there was an amazing job opportunity in NYC. I was never happy living there. I feel like I have found a real home here in Arizona. I don't care what you may think of Arizona if you live here or not but you need to look at it without the names. If you found a place you loved wouldn't you not want to return to where you came from? It's not like Arizona was just a shot in the dark. And it's not working out. Bad things can happen anywhere but nothing that has happened here has made me miss CT or wish I hadn't moved here.

So many people live in places they hate and wish they were somewhere else but I was given the opportunity to move somewhere I knew I would love. In my position now, I could move anywhere in the country but I chose to stay here. I love travel and experiencing other places and people but I would always want one place to go to and call home. If I didn't live here and really had to choose where to live, I would probably pick cities like NYC, Dallas, San Diego or Denver. Those would be shots in the dark though. I haven't really visited those cities except NYC but I'd have no idea of the life there. I like to be grounded. I have found that I am not a nomad. I don't like change if it's considerably permanent. I could live somewhere for a month or even 6 but more would be too much. I know I love this place cuz whenever I go somewhere out of state, I miss it here and when I am home I am relieved. Whenever we went on vacation when I was living in CT with my mom and dad, I would miss the vacation place instead of being happy to be home. I don't know if that's something but if it isn't then I am obviously insane.

In addition to all this, my uncle died back in Boston this past March. My dog at home, Zoe, is getting old. I just learned my aunt in Boston put down her dog Casey. He was about 15 years old and was my favorite dog. My mom just told me this so non-nonchalantly after harping on how the job situation is supposedly so much better there and in Boston. See, this is how I know that this is all just bullshit. So the news of a golden retriever who I basically grew up with is being put to sleep is secondary to the fabulous job market of New England? My dad is getting old and he admits he is "out of his smarts." He worries so much about the future and has given up on understanding my mom and her family and the world in general. He is the only real male figure in my immediate family now. To see him broken down by my family is terrible to see. I don't wanna go back to that depressing mentality. The negativity and belittling is something I put behind me. I can't be of any help because they are all too old to listen to me and to work on things. I have learned on thing that is so important. Don't ever live your life for someone else or for their happiness.

31 May 2013

A Second Chance

I was working for a company back in October in a new position that I was happy to be in. Until they started playing around. They brought in a second person and then decided to pull out of the position and basically demote me. They did this without my knowledge and in the most reckless way. I was sitting at my computer literally watching my files disappear. Naturally, I was like, "what the hell?" So I go over the supervisor and asked what was going on and she told me. I was so disturbed and shaken up I had to take a step away from the office after I had moved my stuff, yet again, from one location back to the old one. It doesn't seem so bad looking at it now but it was pretty messed up to me. I don't things changed abruptly with no meeting or communication. I had to go to the supervisor to ask. It should have been the other way around.

I was literally getting sick over work. I stressed about it after that happened and to make things worse, they started putting more pressure on everyone. I became nauseous and my head ached. I then developed a cough and was coughing up a lot of phlegm. I don't completely blame the job for what happened next but I do believe they played an important role in pushing my health to where it ended up.

The end of October was coming and my father was coming to visit me for a week. My birthday was November 1st and Halloween was coming. I almost took off the entire week prior to my father coming. I dragged myself to go pick him up on Saturday the 26th of October. I was so achy and tired but I picked him up and we headed back to my place. The next day I was not good. I had the shivers bad from having a fever. We went into the CVS minute-clinic and waited for a while. The doctor there took my temperature and it was 104 degrees. She said I had to go to the emergency room immediately. We rushed to the closest one and I was admitted into the hospital. At this point I was so sick I had no idea was really happening, After some tests and x-rays, they found I had double pneumonia.

I remember waking up briefly and my mother was there. I had no idea was going on. Why is my mother here? Apparently,  I had been in an induced comma with a ventilator and they were waking me up at random just to make sure I was OK still. The only thing I can faintly remember is hearing and slightly seeing my mother crying. The next thing I know I was fully awake and a week had gone by. I was in ICU and was able to breathe on my own.

I had slept through my birthday and Halloween. I had so many questions since I had no memory of the last week at all. I can't imagine my mother flying out not knowing what was happening and then to see me in the ICU bed all hooked up and sleeping. She told me she feared she was flying out to bury her son.

I had lost over 15 lbs. I lost my sense of taste, the ability to speak and clearly breathe and to walk. I felt like I was restarting everything again. Thankfully I had a team of doctors and therapist with me. I was up and walking with practice and feeding myself. My voice came back fully after about two months and I could walk normally after about one month of practice and physical therapy at home. All my family was calling me and my aunt with whom I haven't spoken to since 2010 came to visit me. I received many cards from family and friends. Friends came to visit me at the hospital and at home. I never realized how blessed and loved I was.

I am sitting here now a different person. I can't believe I overcame that whole thing. Every night at the hospital they would test your blood and my arms looked so bruised and red I felt like I was lifting a brick when I moved them. I was so skinny and pale. I have gained all the weight back now and all the bruises and marks are gone. All but one slightly remains. One scar on my neck from where I had a jugular intravenous. It is there to remind me everyday of what I went through.

My parents and I may have not gotten along the greatest growing up but they truly are amazing. They made me appreciate them even more than I possibly could have. They adopted me and gave me a second chance at a better life here in America. I wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for them. If I never believed in God before anything, this would make me. I always have though and I believe everything happens for a reason.

My uncle died in March of this year. He had been long suffering from liver cancer and I was of course very sad but I felt an even stronger connection with my family. We are a small family and some of us may not get along the greatest but we will come together in the time of need. I want year to full of happiness and good times. Not sadness and disappointment like it has been for the past year. I was given a second chance for reason. I have yet to figure it out but I know I have a calling somewhere out there.

I never went back to that company. They had to lay me off due to me not having sick leave and they never responded to me when I was ready to go back. It was a sign and I need to move on. The company represents a time in my life I will never forget but wish to not return to. I am better now and ready to really start living now. I am only 23 and I have so much I want to see and do.

I had never been too close with my father growing up. He told me that he has only cried once in his live and the second time was when I was sick. He cried alone. He stayed with me for a while during my recovery and then had to go back home to help my mother with the house and dogs. When I dropped him off at the airport he told me that he loved me. This wasn't the first time he's said it or anything but it was the first time that it wasn't just an obligatory "I love you" that parents or lovers say in haste. There was something different about it and I truly felt it like I have never before. Perhaps it was everything we have been through that made it stronger but it was special. We always see our father as strong men who take care of their family. I saw that broken down and into a father who truly cares and loves his son.

I may not have a big family or a lot of friends but the ones I do have are best and strongest people I know. I went through my old phone my mom had used when I was sleeping to contact my friends. They were contacting me and were concerned. Those texts, even though they are just texts still to this day. Everyone means the world to me in a way they may never understand.

To those reading this, please hug your pets, your family if you can. Don't focus on their shortcomings because they could be gone and you will miss that. We have so many means of communication today but it doesn't make us any more closer to one another. Message someone you haven't talked to in a while. Catch up with a high school or college friend. You never know where it can go. People change all the time. It's what they do with that change that makes them who they are.

29 May 2013


I am coming back to this blog at a time in which I really should be using my writing. It's funny as I read some of the old posts I wrote when I was back in college. I kept a few of the ones I thought really relate to me still or that are just important to my life in general.

I am coming back here because my words on paper seem to resonate and help me more than the words out of my mouth. We all go through things, ups and downs and twists and turns. We all cry, suffer, rejoice, etc. I am here to share those emotions. I originally used this blog to basically vent and rant. I feel like I need to alter that a little and use this platform for more than that. I need to connect myself more rather than to throw my feelings on a page and forget about it and hope people feel the same way I do. That was just immature and it got boring. I stopped doing that because I became tired of spilling my guts out and venting to a seemingly empty audience. I realize now that it doesn't matter. Who cares about statistics and who is gonna rant and rave about what you did. If anything, I can reach someone who I don't even know and they won't say a word. Deep in their mind, they are thinking and something is brought up inside them. Just as I react  when I watch or read other blogs/vlogs.

A lot has changed since those last posts and it's really all for the better in my opinion.