30 December 2013

What 2013 Did for Me

The year of 2013 had some strong memorable moments that I think I will never forget. I don't know why but I feel like I am more reflective and in awe of this past year more than any other year. I think most years I just wanted to forget because they were either uneventful or just real crap. I like to think of New Year's as a real time to refresh everything. Although it's just a calendar change and it's all commercialized and in our heads, I do feel like it's a chance to move on and change. I think I have already been going through this throughout the year but the 1st of the year marks a new, clean slate.

I really don't make any New Year's resolutions because I try to set goals for myself constantly as opposed to just having the one time of the year to make them. I think the big goals I have now can't be completed in a year but it's always a good time to really start on them. I need to really need to continue to focus on bettering myself physically and mentally this year. I think things will level out and go back to normal which will give me time to get working on getting some education for real estate appraising and of course money to save for things that I want.

I look at it as a year of death and rebirth. People, things, friends, ideas died or went away and new things came to be and old things returned. I learned a lot of things about other people, life and myself. I experienced new things and did things out of my comfort zone that I never thought I'd ever do. I met new people that will hopefully become long term or even lifelong friends.

After my sickness I was unemployed until August. During that time, I did have some fun and traveled but I also was getting used to a whole new life. I felt as if I had reset for 2013. It was really a sign for me to restart everything. Almost like a reboot. I had been swimming underwater for so long I had to go back to the surface and catch my breath. The time I spent with my parents marked a big change for our relationship. I felt like they were protectors and real good friends more than just mom and dad. Something I am truly grateful for as I haven't seen much in other people's parents. I met up with friends I haven't seen in a while and I believe that it really strengthened our relationships as well. It just shows that not matter how far away you are from someone, there is still that something that can draw you together. Something you both have to understand and put effort into, but it's something nonetheless. I met new friends as well and even someone who I can one day look up to as a brother figure. Something I never had growing up as an only child.

At the same time of positive relationships, I had negative ones. I experienced my first serious (what I considered serious at that time) relationship. With that, I experienced my first break up. It was something I was not prepared for at all but I got through it easily with the help of friends and good music. No drugs, no alcohol or destructive behavior. Even though it lasted a month, the relationship taught me a lot about what I actually want and what I really deserve as well. I think my whole ideal of what a relationship changed after that and I needed that. I don't want to expect anything this year and I don't want to play the "it will happen when you least expect it" game. I feel like if you are thinking like that then you are already expecting it and over thinking things.

I went through some positive career changes as well. After being slapped in the face from my old job (which is out of business now) I was able to get into something I wanted to do and that I thought was interesting. Unfortunately, being a  part-time real estate assistant wasn't going to let me live alone in Arizona. With some pressure of my parents to get a job or go back home and live with them in Connecticut, I was able to get a job pretty last minute. It was a call center job and worse, a collections position. I was going to grin and bear it for as long as I could until I could move up or go into a different position within the company but I barely lasted a month. I quit and was able to get a temp position at Wells Fargo. The best thing was that it is off the phones and getting into the back end work. It is relaxing and very laid-back. I am happy I moved and looking back I cannot imagine how it would have went down being on the phones when I had just been dumped. I could barely even take an 8 hour day at the new job when it happened.

I think I am on the right path to get to where I want to be. I know everything falls on me and nothing will fall into my lap unless I do the work. I feel like I have a time. When it will be? I don;t know. I just know it will happen and it may be next week or even another year. I have been learning how to focus on my life and think of what I have been through and accomplished in my life so far. I had been so caught up in watching my friend's move to better things and move forward in life as I thought I was going backwards. I have felt that way since I was a kid, Everyone was taller than me, had different things than I did, got their licenses first, had brothers and sisters and lifelong friends to go to. Everyone learned new skills before me and had successful jobs out of college and even started families before me. I know it sounds silly but I was actually jealous. I appreciated what I had but in a way I felt as if I was taking the baggage for people when I really didn't deserve it? Or did I?

I have learned to open up more not only to friends, family and strangers but also to myself. I have accepted the things I have done in my life and the consequences of them. I have always secretly struggled with the person I portrayed on FaceBook in public and to friends and the person I was behind doors. They were totally different people to me. I have never done drugs or gotten drunk but it doesn't mean there were other demons. I tried my best to turn to music and working out for my anger or sadness. I did things I liked but still I would turn to online for comfort. I knew what I was doing and at the end of it, I would get back to my house late at night and hate myself all night. I dreamed of having someone who cared and loved me truly. I knew that those guys I met didn't. I knew it and yet I still did it and the cycle repeated itself. At times I thought my parents were right. Maybe it was a bad idea for me to be alone here in Arizona. It was almost like they blamed themselves for my behavior. My self destruction got me sick. I had to wait till my possible death bed to realize this. I was truly awoken in 2013 and I have a long ways to go but I know it can be done.

I learned that everyone has some demons behind them and there will always be someone ahead of you and at the same time, there will be someone behind you. The best thing you can do is not even pay attention to them. You don't know their situation and you sure as hell don't know their mental state. At least, most people will not admit to it. Realizing and sharing for me, just like anyone, is hard but it has to be done. I may not be in journalism now but writing for me is the real healer. I get better everyday expressing things through words-written and spoken. I used to be so depressed at times that I thought no one cared and I was going to go back to live in Connecticut with my parents forever and die alone. I used to daydream of the perfect situations in my head of what life should be and will be and it would put me to sleep. Once I got to speaking to people and friends about things, I woke myself up realized; even though people may have their own lives now and they are doing their own things everyday, they still care about you. They may not answer you right away or call you back but they still care. Behind some of the flaws we ALL have, we are still human and we do care about each other, no matter what. I know this is true. I know God has a plan for all of us and that life is not over. It is just starting.