19 June 2013

Sex Talk

When I was a kid, I would tease girls and get in trouble for bothering them and flirting in class. I liked girls and was always curious about them. As I grew older I learned to actually communicate with them and make them laugh, etc. Around the time of middle school and into high school I continued "bugging" girls and also felt myself being attracted to boys. At this point, it was all curiosity and interest without anything sexual. I liked some guys but also got jealous of them because they'd have a pretty girlfriend. When I got into high school I pretty was feeling like I wanted to meet someone to be with as a partner but it never happened. I tried to pursue girls and had crushes on guys as well. I ended up focusing on my friends and my studies more however.

When college came I was able to meet both men and women but found myself being attracted to men in more ways than women. Physically, I loved men and women. When I think about a relationship greater than a friendship, I thought about it with both but wasn't sure. I have never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Does that mean I don't really know what I am? Well no, because I felt a certain way about men and a certain way about women.

I have never been the guy to look at someone and say, "oh I want to fuck him/her." I don't even think like that. I know straight men may think and talk like that with their boys and even some girls with their girlfriends but other people most likely just think it. I can appreciate the male and female body. At this point in my life, I consider myself to be more gay but not completely and not straight. Am I bisexual? What does all this mean?

I believe, as humans, we are not one or the other. People argue that sexuality is predetermined at birth. Others say it is a choice. I believe that it may be both. I was raised in a conservative home but tended to gravitate toward my mother more. I tried sports but got more into music, dance and art. I am a creative type and my parents have been OK with that. I think my feelings were somehow shaped as I went through school even though I wasn't fully sexually aware of myself. That, along with whatever my genetics are, made me who I am.

Someone is fully gay or lesbian is hard for me to truly believe. In my eyes, they have to had tried sexual relations with the opposite sex and they failed to perform at all. They then tried sex with the same sex and they liked it and performed completely. Well, what about the gay men/lesbian women who say they are gay but have had sex with the opposite sex? Good question. A sexual person is just that, they are sexual. They are able to perform with anyone. Using a guy is easier in an example because they tend to have higher sex drives in general. Now, he may have had sex with a woman and was able to perform and climax, but did he like it? Does that make him bisexual? Well if he is regularly active with men now since trying sex with a women, he is not straight, but he isn't fully gay in my opinion. Just the ability to perform with a woman, regardless of emotions, tells me he isn't 100% gay. As animals, which we are, we do have instincts. Men have the instinct to mate. As humans though, we were given brains and emotions greater than most animals. Therefore, we are able to combined sex and emotion rather than separate them completely. When we don't then that's just pure sex, lust and instinct. Are men really that easy to be aroused regardless of their orientation though? Well, apparently the men who can perform with women are. It may be so complex that it is different for every individual or it's a male issue.

Now, in the case of bisexuality, it's even more complex. In my opinion, there are several levels of being a bisexual. I'm gonna use the porn industry as an example here. Let's put aside the monetary benefit since it's not necessarily the defining factor of who someone will have sex with. Let's face it, a man won't have sex with another man if he needs money if he is TRULY straight. By sex, I mean anal. There are male porn stars who do gay porn yet they are straight. They claim they are straight and they are even married to women. Are they really straight? Well, like I said before, the ability to perform with someone makes you somewhat bisexual. Now, these men clearly will not be marrying a man or would be in a serious relationship with one. The sex they have with men is clearly a physical thing. So by this example, this kind of bisexual is one that can have sex with both genders but is only emotionally attached to one.

Another example of bisexuality is someone who can have sex with both sexes but who can also establish meaningful relationships above friendships with both. It's the fact that you can see yourself being happy with both a man and a woman, not just seeing yourself simply being with them. This person is usually someone who can settle down with either sex and can live monogamously with that man/woman.

Unfortunately, bisexuals face a lot of backlash because most people don't believe in this. I am gonna focus on men since I'll discuss women later (but don't think this doesn't apply to women). A lot of gay men tend to feel like being bisexual and coming out that way is easier. Some tend to "start out like that" but that's just simply not true. If you FEEL a certain way about men and women you are not gay and you are also not straight. Now, people may feel a bisexual is just an excuse to be promiscuous and that may exist for some but it's not what being bisexual is about. Unfortunately there are married men who fool around on the side with men but would never be in a relationship with a man. This is different than a GAY man who marries a women and has kids but is really gay. This man has no desire to be with a woman but did it because of  social pressure. The other man is married to a women because they love (loved) each other but he may feel the need to be with a man but only sexually. If it's an open relationship and the wife is OK with it, it may not be as severe as if he was cheating on her with men. Being with one gender and screwing around with another (whether both parties know) would go against what I believe a relationship should be, bisexual or not.

In terms of women, we are faced with images every day of two females interacting with each other intimately. Yet when they are revealed as being emotionally attached then we tend to look away. Only recently has TV portrayed male-on-male intimacy yet it seems to be such a big deal when it's on the networks. People give bisexuals a bad name because there are girls who go through "phases" of making out with being intimate with other girls to get attention or to fit it. Or are girls just more sexual and comfortable with themselves than men? It's not to say that there are some girls out there who have no desire to kiss another girl at all.

It terms of intimacy, what makes one gay, straight, lesbian or bisexual? If a guy kisses another guy once is he gay? Well of course not, that's silly. Now if he likes it and wants to try it again, then maybe yeah, he's a little gay. I like to use a few analogies with vegetables. First scenario: I have carrots and broccoli in front of me. I know I like broccoli but thinking of trying carrots. I am young and haven't tried them so might as well now. I mean you can't say you don't like something if you haven't tried it right? I know I really like broccoli but not sure. So I try the carrots and they are nasty as hell and I can't even chew/swallow them .I decide I will never eat them. I don't even wanna look at them ever again. Trying them doesn't make me a carrot person, I just tried it once and it sucked. Second scenario: I try the the carrots and like them. I don't love them but they are OK and I'd eat them if broccoli wasn't around. Third scenario: I can't even look at carrots. I know I love broccoli and could never eat any other vegetable. I don't even wanna touch a carrot ever.

People experiment, it's normal. A lot of people may not even admit to it but they have done it. Does experimenting make your orientation though? Again, it's the fact of liking it and wanting it again. I believe a lot of it is in the mind. Well what about just being comfortable with your sexuality? A gay man has no problem kissing a girl, is he really gay? Just like in the vegetable analogies above, the carrots in the first scenario were never consumed. The second one they were but were not as favorable to the broccoli. These are just examples to show that things like kissing, touching and other softcore acts of sex are small indications of orientation. The exception would be a guy refusing to touch (by touch I mean sexually) or kiss another guy. This was shown in the last scenario. Some people are set in themselves and know they are straight or gay. It doesn't necessarily meant they are closed-minded and non-sexual, they actually are comfortable in their sexuality. Their sexuality just happens to be more defined than others.

Well this circles around to the married man who is gay. He has children with his wife, so he obviously was able to perform in the bedroom with her. Is he bisexual or just "man"? This is why sexuality is so complex and there is no true explanation of it, especially since it's completely different for each individual person. Sexuality can even be seen in subtle situations in life rather than the obvious.

A straight guy may never comment on another man's looks but if he does, is he gay? Well if it's more than just, "he's a good looking guy" then maybe their can be some suspicion. I see nothing wrong with straight men commenting on a man who is obviously and unanimously good looking. The fact that girls comment on each other all the time raises no eyebrows but again, society has gain some warped acceptance of subtle lesbianism. If a man goes overboard to express his sexual orientation then he may have some issues. It's similar to the homophobic guy who really is a closet case. Also, a grown man acting gay is clearly gay. It may have been cute when he was young, I don't know why it's funny or accepted still, but when you are older you should be over all that.

People's behaviors are funny. Watching straight male groups vs straight men/women groups are interesting. All female groups and gay men groups as well. It seems like men's and women's sexuality overact in social situations. Even friends develop some sexual tension here and there. At the end of the day, attraction is attraction, we can't really stop ourselves or understand other people's sexual drives and desires. All we see is their face and/or body. You can no longer assume anything. I tend to go into meeting new people with the notion that they are asexual and work from there. At the end of the day, what I have said here is all my opinion and my observations. Sexuality is something YOU define for yourself. No one can label you and you may not even want to label yourself. Do what you FEEL is best and what makes you HAPPY and don't worry  about other people's feeling toward you. If someone makes you happy, then be with them. It can really be that simple.

15 June 2013

The Past Week

This is gonna be a little scattered. Not a one-topic post like normal. This is the way my mind actually works. Very back and forth and scattered (not in a negative way). I find it a little easier talking about a bunch of things rather than one big thing. Especially since I feel like there is so much going on within me and my life right now.

First off, I did a little experiment this past week. I decided to abstain from all social media. I didn't log on and read posts on Facebook or any site on my computer and mobile device. I figured a week off of being "social" would do some good since we all tend to get to wrapped into what other people are doing and thinking. Also, my dad was here visiting me so it let me concentrate on spending time with him and also focusing on getting a job. It's amazing how much time we really spend on Facebook, etc. I also stopped being the "initiator" as I would call it. I refrained from texting people first and allowed myself some stress free time to not worry about if someone will get back to me or not. Well I did get some "hey how are you" texts and even a phone call and good news. Overall, I think the week off really helped because I don't feel like I was deprived of anything. I am not sitting for hours reading Facebook or things like that to fill my time. I logged in and looked but didn't feel a desire to talk to everyone that was online or send messages.

Even though it was a week, I feel like I have trained myself to shift my priorities and focus on me. I figured that my true friends will contact me and check on me from time to time rather than me being concerned and contacting them all the time. As if I thought, "if I don't contact them then we will never talk." I needed to get over that and this helped me a lot.

As I mentioned, my father came to visit for a few weeks. After I was sick, he stayed for a few months until I was able to do everything myself and felt he was kind of overstaying. I love my dad but I have learned that I cannot live with him. We don't fight or anything but there are things I could only handle for so long. I love living alone and living with people always brings me back to reasons why I like living alone.

After he left in April, my mom decided that he should come out here for a month. I explained that it was overkill to send him here for that long. I forgot to mention that I live in a one bedroom/one bathroom apartment so it's a little tough to have someone for that long living here. So I got her to cut his visit to two weeks. Her reasoning for his visit was that she didn't want me to be alone and for him to check up on me. Whatever. At least she booked us in a timeshare for the first week so we'd have some space and I could get out of the apartment.

The timeshare stay was great. We saw the Diamondbacks play at Chase Field and hung out at the pool. Then we had to leave and go back to my apartment and I had to really hit the job search hard again. My mom sent me an email stating that if I did not have a job by August, which is when my lease was up, I'd have to return to Connecticut or live with my aunt in Boston. Now she did this before when I was jobless and living with my aunt here in Arizona. My aunt and her both agreed to the plan but I got a job before the "deadline." So this time seems understandable as well considering I could stay with them or my aunt back east without worrying about rent and utilities. Well before I go into more, quick back story here.

I knew my parents were planning to probably retire here in Arizona someday. When I got sick my mom got scared and worried and wanted to try to come out here earlier than expected. So they bought a house here and we are just renting it out to the owners until their house is built. They will move out at the end of September, maybe earlier. The plan was for me to get back on my feet and get a job and then pay a month-to-month rent until I could move into the new house. Now, since I still don't have a job, my mom figured that I would leave this apartment and avoid the month-to-month cost and live with her or my aunt. My parents aren't necessarily supporting me 100% out here right now. In fact, the money out here is from other sources and I have to use it to pay my rent, living expenses, utilities and the mortgage payment to the new house. Of course when the rent check from the tenants in the house goes away, then this wouldn't work. I would have a job to help pay with the house costs.

Now into the problem I have. I thought if I don't get a job by August that leaving for home was acceptable. I did not realize what her plan was though. She wants me to look for a job in CT or Boston and stay there. Not until the new house is open or I get a job out here. She wants me to stay there for AT LEAST a year and get a job. I left CT to come all the way to ASU and I stayed here. Do you think I'd wanna take a step backward like that? I don't wanna live back there. Just erase everything here? They want me looking for a job over there right now. As if they have given up on me looking out here. My dad became upset over this because he and my mom clearly have different motives for me. My dad did think of it as being a logical solution but then went on about me getting a job out there doing something I don't have any interest in.

For those of you thinking that my parents are right and I have no say and I have to make sacrifices, etc, well I can see that point of view but for me it's more. The support in my family has always been back handed. They didn't even want me coming to AZ. They ended up dealing with it and supporting me going to ASU. I honestly think they don't like Arizona and so I am confused as to why they want to move here. It may be the "if you can't fight em, join em" mentality but I am not sure. My mom is so tied to her state job that she refuses to move yet she wants to retire several years that she is supposed to. This will result in a huge cut in pay. For what? To check on me like I am a kid? My father explained that I am 23 and I am an adult. Yeah, I have mad bad decisions but at least I have learned from them. I do not regret coming out here and staying here. It sometimes feels like my mom and my aunt in Boston is trying to make me regret my choice to move here. Not once has my mom said, "I hope you get a job soon so you can stay where you want and a job you like." Or, "Good luck, I pray you get a job.......(something relating to me)." I just need some of those corny, obligatory phrases to help me. All I get is get a job or else. I explained to them what I want to do but they just say oh that's cool and other things. No suggestions or insight, just criticism. They may send random links but that's like me sending a happy birthday card with no note in it or any personal touch. It just doesn't resonate with me.

I'll be the first to admit that I am stubborn and I don't like change that happens fast without me knowing immediately with every detail. I have my mind on something and nothing will get in the way of that. My life back east is something I left behind. I am not willing to go back for anything. Like I said I was willing to compromise and stay out there for a few months but it doesn't seem to be the plan for them. I probably would have to sell my car, which I don't have payments on and it's in good condition because my mom doesn't want me to drive cross country with it. I'd have to leave all my doctors I like here and other routines. Connecticut has nothing. It has nothing for me and it never will. I don't wanna live in Boston area with my aunt who has no cable, Internet or anything, Also she lives a good 40 minutes to an hour from the city. The only way I'd go back east is if there was an amazing job opportunity in NYC. I was never happy living there. I feel like I have found a real home here in Arizona. I don't care what you may think of Arizona if you live here or not but you need to look at it without the names. If you found a place you loved wouldn't you not want to return to where you came from? It's not like Arizona was just a shot in the dark. And it's not working out. Bad things can happen anywhere but nothing that has happened here has made me miss CT or wish I hadn't moved here.

So many people live in places they hate and wish they were somewhere else but I was given the opportunity to move somewhere I knew I would love. In my position now, I could move anywhere in the country but I chose to stay here. I love travel and experiencing other places and people but I would always want one place to go to and call home. If I didn't live here and really had to choose where to live, I would probably pick cities like NYC, Dallas, San Diego or Denver. Those would be shots in the dark though. I haven't really visited those cities except NYC but I'd have no idea of the life there. I like to be grounded. I have found that I am not a nomad. I don't like change if it's considerably permanent. I could live somewhere for a month or even 6 but more would be too much. I know I love this place cuz whenever I go somewhere out of state, I miss it here and when I am home I am relieved. Whenever we went on vacation when I was living in CT with my mom and dad, I would miss the vacation place instead of being happy to be home. I don't know if that's something but if it isn't then I am obviously insane.

In addition to all this, my uncle died back in Boston this past March. My dog at home, Zoe, is getting old. I just learned my aunt in Boston put down her dog Casey. He was about 15 years old and was my favorite dog. My mom just told me this so non-nonchalantly after harping on how the job situation is supposedly so much better there and in Boston. See, this is how I know that this is all just bullshit. So the news of a golden retriever who I basically grew up with is being put to sleep is secondary to the fabulous job market of New England? My dad is getting old and he admits he is "out of his smarts." He worries so much about the future and has given up on understanding my mom and her family and the world in general. He is the only real male figure in my immediate family now. To see him broken down by my family is terrible to see. I don't wanna go back to that depressing mentality. The negativity and belittling is something I put behind me. I can't be of any help because they are all too old to listen to me and to work on things. I have learned on thing that is so important. Don't ever live your life for someone else or for their happiness.