The Past Week

This is gonna be a little scattered. Not a one-topic post like normal. This is the way my mind actually works. Very back and forth and scattered (not in a negative way). I find it a little easier talking about a bunch of things rather than one big thing. Especially since I feel like there is so much going on within me and my life right now.

First off, I did a little experiment this past week. I decided to abstain from all social media. I didn't log on and read posts on Facebook or any site on my computer and mobile device. I figured a week off of being "social" would do some good since we all tend to get to wrapped into what other people are doing and thinking. Also, my dad was here visiting me so it let me concentrate on spending time with him and also focusing on getting a job. It's amazing how much time we really spend on Facebook, etc. I also stopped being the "initiator" as I would call it. I refrained from texting people first and allowed myself some stress free time to not worry about if someone will get back to me or not. Well I did get some "hey how are you" texts and even a phone call and good news. Overall, I think the week off really helped because I don't feel like I was deprived of anything. I am not sitting for hours reading Facebook or things like that to fill my time. I logged in and looked but didn't feel a desire to talk to everyone that was online or send messages.

Even though it was a week, I feel like I have trained myself to shift my priorities and focus on me. I figured that my true friends will contact me and check on me from time to time rather than me being concerned and contacting them all the time. As if I thought, "if I don't contact them then we will never talk." I needed to get over that and this helped me a lot.

As I mentioned, my father came to visit for a few weeks. After I was sick, he stayed for a few months until I was able to do everything myself and felt he was kind of overstaying. I love my dad but I have learned that I cannot live with him. We don't fight or anything but there are things I could only handle for so long. I love living alone and living with people always brings me back to reasons why I like living alone.

After he left in April, my mom decided that he should come out here for a month. I explained that it was overkill to send him here for that long. I forgot to mention that I live in a one bedroom/one bathroom apartment so it's a little tough to have someone for that long living here. So I got her to cut his visit to two weeks. Her reasoning for his visit was that she didn't want me to be alone and for him to check up on me. Whatever. At least she booked us in a timeshare for the first week so we'd have some space and I could get out of the apartment.

The timeshare stay was great. We saw the Diamondbacks play at Chase Field and hung out at the pool. Then we had to leave and go back to my apartment and I had to really hit the job search hard again. My mom sent me an email stating that if I did not have a job by August, which is when my lease was up, I'd have to return to Connecticut or live with my aunt in Boston. Now she did this before when I was jobless and living with my aunt here in Arizona. My aunt and her both agreed to the plan but I got a job before the "deadline." So this time seems understandable as well considering I could stay with them or my aunt back east without worrying about rent and utilities. Well before I go into more, quick back story here.

I knew my parents were planning to probably retire here in Arizona someday. When I got sick my mom got scared and worried and wanted to try to come out here earlier than expected. So they bought a house here and we are just renting it out to the owners until their house is built. They will move out at the end of September, maybe earlier. The plan was for me to get back on my feet and get a job and then pay a month-to-month rent until I could move into the new house. Now, since I still don't have a job, my mom figured that I would leave this apartment and avoid the month-to-month cost and live with her or my aunt. My parents aren't necessarily supporting me 100% out here right now. In fact, the money out here is from other sources and I have to use it to pay my rent, living expenses, utilities and the mortgage payment to the new house. Of course when the rent check from the tenants in the house goes away, then this wouldn't work. I would have a job to help pay with the house costs.

Now into the problem I have. I thought if I don't get a job by August that leaving for home was acceptable. I did not realize what her plan was though. She wants me to look for a job in CT or Boston and stay there. Not until the new house is open or I get a job out here. She wants me to stay there for AT LEAST a year and get a job. I left CT to come all the way to ASU and I stayed here. Do you think I'd wanna take a step backward like that? I don't wanna live back there. Just erase everything here? They want me looking for a job over there right now. As if they have given up on me looking out here. My dad became upset over this because he and my mom clearly have different motives for me. My dad did think of it as being a logical solution but then went on about me getting a job out there doing something I don't have any interest in.

For those of you thinking that my parents are right and I have no say and I have to make sacrifices, etc, well I can see that point of view but for me it's more. The support in my family has always been back handed. They didn't even want me coming to AZ. They ended up dealing with it and supporting me going to ASU. I honestly think they don't like Arizona and so I am confused as to why they want to move here. It may be the "if you can't fight em, join em" mentality but I am not sure. My mom is so tied to her state job that she refuses to move yet she wants to retire several years that she is supposed to. This will result in a huge cut in pay. For what? To check on me like I am a kid? My father explained that I am 23 and I am an adult. Yeah, I have mad bad decisions but at least I have learned from them. I do not regret coming out here and staying here. It sometimes feels like my mom and my aunt in Boston is trying to make me regret my choice to move here. Not once has my mom said, "I hope you get a job soon so you can stay where you want and a job you like." Or, "Good luck, I pray you get a job.......(something relating to me)." I just need some of those corny, obligatory phrases to help me. All I get is get a job or else. I explained to them what I want to do but they just say oh that's cool and other things. No suggestions or insight, just criticism. They may send random links but that's like me sending a happy birthday card with no note in it or any personal touch. It just doesn't resonate with me.

I'll be the first to admit that I am stubborn and I don't like change that happens fast without me knowing immediately with every detail. I have my mind on something and nothing will get in the way of that. My life back east is something I left behind. I am not willing to go back for anything. Like I said I was willing to compromise and stay out there for a few months but it doesn't seem to be the plan for them. I probably would have to sell my car, which I don't have payments on and it's in good condition because my mom doesn't want me to drive cross country with it. I'd have to leave all my doctors I like here and other routines. Connecticut has nothing. It has nothing for me and it never will. I don't wanna live in Boston area with my aunt who has no cable, Internet or anything, Also she lives a good 40 minutes to an hour from the city. The only way I'd go back east is if there was an amazing job opportunity in NYC. I was never happy living there. I feel like I have found a real home here in Arizona. I don't care what you may think of Arizona if you live here or not but you need to look at it without the names. If you found a place you loved wouldn't you not want to return to where you came from? It's not like Arizona was just a shot in the dark. And it's not working out. Bad things can happen anywhere but nothing that has happened here has made me miss CT or wish I hadn't moved here.

So many people live in places they hate and wish they were somewhere else but I was given the opportunity to move somewhere I knew I would love. In my position now, I could move anywhere in the country but I chose to stay here. I love travel and experiencing other places and people but I would always want one place to go to and call home. If I didn't live here and really had to choose where to live, I would probably pick cities like NYC, Dallas, San Diego or Denver. Those would be shots in the dark though. I haven't really visited those cities except NYC but I'd have no idea of the life there. I like to be grounded. I have found that I am not a nomad. I don't like change if it's considerably permanent. I could live somewhere for a month or even 6 but more would be too much. I know I love this place cuz whenever I go somewhere out of state, I miss it here and when I am home I am relieved. Whenever we went on vacation when I was living in CT with my mom and dad, I would miss the vacation place instead of being happy to be home. I don't know if that's something but if it isn't then I am obviously insane.

In addition to all this, my uncle died back in Boston this past March. My dog at home, Zoe, is getting old. I just learned my aunt in Boston put down her dog Casey. He was about 15 years old and was my favorite dog. My mom just told me this so non-nonchalantly after harping on how the job situation is supposedly so much better there and in Boston. See, this is how I know that this is all just bullshit. So the news of a golden retriever who I basically grew up with is being put to sleep is secondary to the fabulous job market of New England? My dad is getting old and he admits he is "out of his smarts." He worries so much about the future and has given up on understanding my mom and her family and the world in general. He is the only real male figure in my immediate family now. To see him broken down by my family is terrible to see. I don't wanna go back to that depressing mentality. The negativity and belittling is something I put behind me. I can't be of any help because they are all too old to listen to me and to work on things. I have learned on thing that is so important. Don't ever live your life for someone else or for their happiness.