Sex Talk

When I was a kid, I would tease girls and get in trouble for bothering them and flirting in class. I liked girls and was always curious about them. As I grew older I learned to actually communicate with them and make them laugh, etc. Around the time of middle school and into high school I continued "bugging" girls and also felt myself being attracted to boys. At this point, it was all curiosity and interest without anything sexual. I liked some guys but also got jealous of them because they'd have a pretty girlfriend. When I got into high school I pretty was feeling like I wanted to meet someone to be with as a partner but it never happened. I tried to pursue girls and had crushes on guys as well. I ended up focusing on my friends and my studies more however.

When college came I was able to meet both men and women but found myself being attracted to men in more ways than women. Physically, I loved men and women. When I think about a relationship greater than a friendship, I thought about it with both but wasn't sure. I have never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Does that mean I don't really know what I am? Well no, because I felt a certain way about men and a certain way about women.

I have never been the guy to look at someone and say, "oh I want to fuck him/her." I don't even think like that. I know straight men may think and talk like that with their boys and even some girls with their girlfriends but other people most likely just think it. I can appreciate the male and female body. At this point in my life, I consider myself to be more gay but not completely and not straight. Am I bisexual? What does all this mean?

I believe, as humans, we are not one or the other. People argue that sexuality is predetermined at birth. Others say it is a choice. I believe that it may be both. I was raised in a conservative home but tended to gravitate toward my mother more. I tried sports but got more into music, dance and art. I am a creative type and my parents have been OK with that. I think my feelings were somehow shaped as I went through school even though I wasn't fully sexually aware of myself. That, along with whatever my genetics are, made me who I am.

Someone is fully gay or lesbian is hard for me to truly believe. In my eyes, they have to had tried sexual relations with the opposite sex and they failed to perform at all. They then tried sex with the same sex and they liked it and performed completely. Well, what about the gay men/lesbian women who say they are gay but have had sex with the opposite sex? Good question. A sexual person is just that, they are sexual. They are able to perform with anyone. Using a guy is easier in an example because they tend to have higher sex drives in general. Now, he may have had sex with a woman and was able to perform and climax, but did he like it? Does that make him bisexual? Well if he is regularly active with men now since trying sex with a women, he is not straight, but he isn't fully gay in my opinion. Just the ability to perform with a woman, regardless of emotions, tells me he isn't 100% gay. As animals, which we are, we do have instincts. Men have the instinct to mate. As humans though, we were given brains and emotions greater than most animals. Therefore, we are able to combined sex and emotion rather than separate them completely. When we don't then that's just pure sex, lust and instinct. Are men really that easy to be aroused regardless of their orientation though? Well, apparently the men who can perform with women are. It may be so complex that it is different for every individual or it's a male issue.

Now, in the case of bisexuality, it's even more complex. In my opinion, there are several levels of being a bisexual. I'm gonna use the porn industry as an example here. Let's put aside the monetary benefit since it's not necessarily the defining factor of who someone will have sex with. Let's face it, a man won't have sex with another man if he needs money if he is TRULY straight. By sex, I mean anal. There are male porn stars who do gay porn yet they are straight. They claim they are straight and they are even married to women. Are they really straight? Well, like I said before, the ability to perform with someone makes you somewhat bisexual. Now, these men clearly will not be marrying a man or would be in a serious relationship with one. The sex they have with men is clearly a physical thing. So by this example, this kind of bisexual is one that can have sex with both genders but is only emotionally attached to one.

Another example of bisexuality is someone who can have sex with both sexes but who can also establish meaningful relationships above friendships with both. It's the fact that you can see yourself being happy with both a man and a woman, not just seeing yourself simply being with them. This person is usually someone who can settle down with either sex and can live monogamously with that man/woman.

Unfortunately, bisexuals face a lot of backlash because most people don't believe in this. I am gonna focus on men since I'll discuss women later (but don't think this doesn't apply to women). A lot of gay men tend to feel like being bisexual and coming out that way is easier. Some tend to "start out like that" but that's just simply not true. If you FEEL a certain way about men and women you are not gay and you are also not straight. Now, people may feel a bisexual is just an excuse to be promiscuous and that may exist for some but it's not what being bisexual is about. Unfortunately there are married men who fool around on the side with men but would never be in a relationship with a man. This is different than a GAY man who marries a women and has kids but is really gay. This man has no desire to be with a woman but did it because of  social pressure. The other man is married to a women because they love (loved) each other but he may feel the need to be with a man but only sexually. If it's an open relationship and the wife is OK with it, it may not be as severe as if he was cheating on her with men. Being with one gender and screwing around with another (whether both parties know) would go against what I believe a relationship should be, bisexual or not.

In terms of women, we are faced with images every day of two females interacting with each other intimately. Yet when they are revealed as being emotionally attached then we tend to look away. Only recently has TV portrayed male-on-male intimacy yet it seems to be such a big deal when it's on the networks. People give bisexuals a bad name because there are girls who go through "phases" of making out with being intimate with other girls to get attention or to fit it. Or are girls just more sexual and comfortable with themselves than men? It's not to say that there are some girls out there who have no desire to kiss another girl at all.

It terms of intimacy, what makes one gay, straight, lesbian or bisexual? If a guy kisses another guy once is he gay? Well of course not, that's silly. Now if he likes it and wants to try it again, then maybe yeah, he's a little gay. I like to use a few analogies with vegetables. First scenario: I have carrots and broccoli in front of me. I know I like broccoli but thinking of trying carrots. I am young and haven't tried them so might as well now. I mean you can't say you don't like something if you haven't tried it right? I know I really like broccoli but not sure. So I try the carrots and they are nasty as hell and I can't even chew/swallow them .I decide I will never eat them. I don't even wanna look at them ever again. Trying them doesn't make me a carrot person, I just tried it once and it sucked. Second scenario: I try the the carrots and like them. I don't love them but they are OK and I'd eat them if broccoli wasn't around. Third scenario: I can't even look at carrots. I know I love broccoli and could never eat any other vegetable. I don't even wanna touch a carrot ever.

People experiment, it's normal. A lot of people may not even admit to it but they have done it. Does experimenting make your orientation though? Again, it's the fact of liking it and wanting it again. I believe a lot of it is in the mind. Well what about just being comfortable with your sexuality? A gay man has no problem kissing a girl, is he really gay? Just like in the vegetable analogies above, the carrots in the first scenario were never consumed. The second one they were but were not as favorable to the broccoli. These are just examples to show that things like kissing, touching and other softcore acts of sex are small indications of orientation. The exception would be a guy refusing to touch (by touch I mean sexually) or kiss another guy. This was shown in the last scenario. Some people are set in themselves and know they are straight or gay. It doesn't necessarily meant they are closed-minded and non-sexual, they actually are comfortable in their sexuality. Their sexuality just happens to be more defined than others.

Well this circles around to the married man who is gay. He has children with his wife, so he obviously was able to perform in the bedroom with her. Is he bisexual or just "man"? This is why sexuality is so complex and there is no true explanation of it, especially since it's completely different for each individual person. Sexuality can even be seen in subtle situations in life rather than the obvious.

A straight guy may never comment on another man's looks but if he does, is he gay? Well if it's more than just, "he's a good looking guy" then maybe their can be some suspicion. I see nothing wrong with straight men commenting on a man who is obviously and unanimously good looking. The fact that girls comment on each other all the time raises no eyebrows but again, society has gain some warped acceptance of subtle lesbianism. If a man goes overboard to express his sexual orientation then he may have some issues. It's similar to the homophobic guy who really is a closet case. Also, a grown man acting gay is clearly gay. It may have been cute when he was young, I don't know why it's funny or accepted still, but when you are older you should be over all that.

People's behaviors are funny. Watching straight male groups vs straight men/women groups are interesting. All female groups and gay men groups as well. It seems like men's and women's sexuality overact in social situations. Even friends develop some sexual tension here and there. At the end of the day, attraction is attraction, we can't really stop ourselves or understand other people's sexual drives and desires. All we see is their face and/or body. You can no longer assume anything. I tend to go into meeting new people with the notion that they are asexual and work from there. At the end of the day, what I have said here is all my opinion and my observations. Sexuality is something YOU define for yourself. No one can label you and you may not even want to label yourself. Do what you FEEL is best and what makes you HAPPY and don't worry  about other people's feeling toward you. If someone makes you happy, then be with them. It can really be that simple.